CATS WHO
HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
(contributed by Crimson at P.O.W.E.R.net)

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:

* If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get on an Oriental rug. * If no Oriental rug, shag is good.

2. DOORS:

* Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  * After you have ordered an outside door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.* Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

3. GUESTS:

* Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have "Fish 'n Glop" on your breath, so much the better. For a guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof and disdain. Apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
* For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric coloring that contrasts well with your fur. For example: White fur cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
* When walking among dishes on dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey; "But you allow me on the table when company isn't here."
* Always accompany any guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything just sit and stare.

4. WORK:

* If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as 'hampering'.

* When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

* For book readers, get in close under chin between eyes and book unless you can lie on the book itself.

* For knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or spilt yarns. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

* Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. Or, after being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

* Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.

* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.

* As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning.  This will help develop their coordination skills.

* Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

* When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.

* Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket: the laundry hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

5. PLAY:

* This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several cat games. It is important though to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair,immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

A  GAMES:

*(a) "Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.

*(b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all cost from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing field into account. * WARNING:
Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of "King of the Hill." *
*(c) "Tag": This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is "it." The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.
* (d)"Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred!
*(e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw and take it back to them. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball, assume the human truly does not want it, and leave.

B   TOYS:

* Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human grabs you and takes it. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets.

Below are listed several types of cat toys.
* Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
* Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all cost. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.
* Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see; but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack which will usually result in a great Tag match.

6. FOOD:

* In order, to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must


be fed "NOW"; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed:

(a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the
tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

(b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

(c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.

(d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.

(e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent, your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

(f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food.

* Several techniques exist for ensuring the humans don't forget you: These include: jumping onto any lap, purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the Kitchen; the Direct Stare and twining around people's legs as they eat while meowing plaintively.


7. SCRATCHING POSTS:

It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Sharpening your claws on a human, however, is a definite no-no!

8. WATER:

Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water. Toilets are the next best. It is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. A plaintive meow and licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap.

9. VACUUM CLEANER:

This appalling Beast is known by many names, "Cat Eater" being the most prevalent. Normally humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. The best thing to do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all cost. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the
yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

10. HUMANS:

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring. One nearly always successful method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct approach." Do one of the following to the sleeping human: trampling, purring, meowing, head-butting.  If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntled manner.

11. MORNINGS:

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed.  See GAMES. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off. We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could ruin their hearing.

12. MEDICINE:

The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs and awful things like needles and pills. The usual result is you will get better, but you just can't let those humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine:

(a) When you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet's. Reach through the bars of the prison carrier and claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, once again splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls so they can't dump you out easily.

(b) At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as explained in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. If the humans do succeed in getting the medicine, spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it.

13. ILLNESS:
I
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer than a human's bare foot.


CONCLUSION:

Humans need to know basic rules such as those for playing "Catch the Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on their bed between 2 and 4 AM. Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They CAN be taught if you start early and are consistent. "Einstein's Theory of Cat Behavior".

LAW OF CAT INERTIA:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible second.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION:
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE:
As yet undiscovered.
How to Give a Cat a Pill (humor)
  (Courtesy of the Witches Voice)                         (Author unknown)


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for ASPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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TEN CATMANDMENTS

  I  I am thy Lord and master of thy House.
  II  Thou shalt have no other pets before Me.
  III  Thou shalt not speak vainly the Word NO to thy cat.
  IV Remember My food dish and keep it full.
  V  Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for Me to curl up in.
  VI  Thou shalt never punish, or chastise me in any way.
VII  Thou shalt never ignore Me, but be grateful
  I give thee the time of day.
VIII  Thou shalt spend most of thy money on foods toys and gifts for Me.
  IX  Thou shalt shower Me with love and attention upon demand.
  X  Above all, thou shalt do anything
  and everything it takes to keep Me happy.
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This page was last updated on: 2/27/2014